Planning a Funeral: What to Do Before You Need To
By Jennifer Saless | LanternForFamilies.com
The families who navigate this with the most grace are the ones who had at least one conversation about it before it became urgent.
My mother-in-law left behind a single handwritten page on a legal pad. Written years before she passed, it outlined what she wanted — simply, clearly, in her own handwriting. When she was gone, her family picked up that piece of paper and used it as their guide.
I think about that page a lot.
My dad planned the practical parts beautifully. He and my mom went to the funeral home together and prepaid for their cremations. They picked out their urns. My dad contacted the VA about being buried at the National Military Cemetery. He had taken care of the logistics thoughtfully and early.
But I never sat down with him and asked what he actually wanted. What kind of service. What music. What food. What feeling he wanted the room to have. I kept meaning to. I wanted time to think about it first. And then one day there was no more time.
I wish I had that legal pad page from him.
What my parents did right
Prepaying for cremation and selecting urns in advance was one of the greatest gifts my parents gave our family. When my dad passed, we did not have to make those decisions in the fog of grief. We did not have to argue about costs or options or logistics. It was already handled.
If your parents have not done this, encourage them to. Most funeral homes offer prepaid packages that lock in current pricing and remove the burden from the family entirely. It is not morbid. It is loving.
My dad also handled his VA arrangements himself — contacting the National Military Cemetery, understanding what he was entitled to as a veteran. The VA was extraordinary. You call a toll free number and you reach real professionals who know exactly what they are doing. They made the military ceremony seamless. I also recommend letting the funeral home coordinate the service members for the military ceremony — they do this regularly and it takes an enormous amount of logistical weight off the family.
If your parents move — will the plan transfer?
This is a question most families never think to ask until it's too late. If your parents prepay for a funeral in one state and later move to another, what happens to that money?
The honest answer is: it depends on how the plan is funded. Most prepaid plans tie you to one specific funeral home. However, transferring a prepaid plan from one funeral home to another is often simpler than families expect, and in many cases there are no additional fees.
The safest option is an irrevocable funeral trust — these transfer to any licensed funeral home in the United States regardless of where the trust was originally set up.
Before your parents sign any prepaid funeral contract, ask this question directly: "Is this plan fully portable if we move out of state?" Then get the answer in writing. It is a five second question that can save an enormous amount of complication later.
The conversation nobody thinks to have — cremation or burial
A close friend of mine lost her husband unexpectedly. In the immediate aftermath, in the fog of shock and grief, she realized she did not know what he wanted. Not just the details — the fundamental question. Cremation or burial?
Most people have a strong opinion about this. It is deeply personal, often tied to faith, culture, and deeply held beliefs about the body and what comes after. And yet most couples, most families, never say it out loud.
Ask your parents this question directly. Ask your spouse. Write it down. It is not a morbid conversation — it is a loving one. The last thing a grieving family needs is to make this decision by committee in the worst moment of their lives.
The $7,000 surprise nobody warns you about
Newspaper obituaries cost money. A lot of money. We received one quote for $7,000. Seven thousand dollars for a newspaper obituary.
We declined.
Instead we used the free memorial website the funeral home provided as part of my parents' prepaid package. We posted the obituary there, shared the link by text to friends and family, and posted it on social media. Everyone who needed to know, knew. It was free. It was immediate. It was enough.
Do not assume a newspaper obituary is necessary. For most families today it is not. Ask your funeral home what is included in their package before spending money you don't need to spend.
Approaching it from his perspective
Once I caught my breath — and I gave myself permission to take a few days before making any decisions — I tried to approach everything from one question: what would he want?
I once attended a funeral held in a deeply religious setting for someone who was not religious. It felt wrong in a way I couldn't shake. I never wanted that for my dad. I wanted the service to represent him. I wanted it to be something he would have actually wanted to attend.
My dad would have wanted good food. He would have wanted laughter. He would have wanted the people he loved in a room together telling stories about him. That became our guide.
The details that made it meaningful
A few things I did that I would recommend to anyone:
I ordered memorial cards from Shutterfly with beautiful photos of my dad and our family. Every memorial I have ever attended has a flimsy photocopied program that falls apart in your hands. I wanted something people could actually keep. Something worth keeping.
I found a beautiful wood and glass display case for his military flag on Etsy, and a wood engraved guest book. I thought about what my mom would want to have afterward — what would sit in her memory care apartment and bring her comfort — and that guided some of my choices.
I created a shared Google folder for all the arrangements and shared it with my brothers who were thousands of miles away. Photos, menus, guest lists, ideas — they could look, add, and weigh in from wherever they were. It made a family decision feel like a family decision even across the distance.
The funeral home created a memorial website as part of the prepaid package. We shared it by text and on social media. People could find the details, make travel arrangements, and leave messages. It was simple and it worked.
The one thing I wish I had done
I wish I had sat down with my dad and really pinned him down on what he wanted. Not just the logistics — the feeling. The music. The stories he wanted told. The people he wanted there.
He was a man who didn't like to make a fuss. He would have said "whatever you think is best." But I know now that people have more specific wishes than they let on, and the ones who write them down give their families an extraordinary gift.
If your parent is still here — ask them. Not in a morbid way. Frame it the way my dad understood everything: "I want to do this right. I want to honor you the way you deserve. Help me know what that looks like."
And if they write it down — even on a legal pad, even one page — keep it somewhere you will find it.
Your funeral planning checklist
Has your parent prepaid for cremation or burial? If not, have that conversation now.
Do you know their wishes — cremation or burial? If not, ask today.
If your parent is a veteran, contact the VA about National Military Cemetery benefits — your parent can do this themselves while they are able.
Ask your parent directly what kind of service they would want — the feeling, the setting, the food, the people.
Ask them to write it down. Even one page. Even a few sentences.
If your parents have a prepaid plan, ask specifically whether it is portable if they move out of state — and get the answer in writing.
Understand what is included in any prepaid funeral package before assuming what you will or won't need to pay for.
Do not assume a newspaper obituary is necessary — ask about free alternatives first.
Create a shared folder with siblings for arrangements, photos, and logistics.
Think about what keepsakes or mementos will matter to your surviving parent afterward.
Give yourself permission to take a few days before making decisions. Nothing has to be decided in the first 24 hours except the immediate logistics.
If this resonated with you, subscribe to Lantern for Families for your free stage-by-stage guide to navigating aging parents — from the first signs of decline through end of life and beyond. Written by someone who has lived every stage of it. www.LanternForFamilies.com
This guide is for informational purposes only and does not constitute legal, financial, or medical advice. Every family's situation is different. Please consult qualified professionals — including an elder law attorney, financial advisor, or medical provider — before making decisions about your parent's care.
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